Friday, July 21, 2017

Random Musing Before Shabbat–Matot-Masei 5777–Thirty-Two-Thousand Virgins?


[Scene opens with a high orbital view of the earth, gradually zooming in on the middle east, then to a helicopter view of a valley with a large encampment giving way to a high Chapman crane view of the assembled multitudes of the Israelites encamped on the borders of Midian. The view pans around the camp, slowly descending to focus in on Moshe, who is pacing and talking to himself.]

Hmmm. I need someone to lead the men, whip them up in a frenzy, and go and wreak havoc upon the Midianites. I wonder who I should choose. Why, Pinchas, of course! That man put a spear through Zimri and that Midianite whore Cozbi while they were in flagrante delicto in full view of the whole community.
[Moshe walks over to Pinchas]

Hey! Pinchas! How ‘ya doin’? Life treating you well?

Well, to be honest, Moshe…

Great! Great! Glad to hear it. Now, I have a little favor to ask you.

[Recovering from Moshe’s cutting him off]
Sure thing, Moshe, what is it?

As you may have heard, Pinchas, I’m assembling an army of 12,000 - 1000 men from each tribe, to go take vengeance on the Midianites and…

And you want me to lead the Army?

Um, No, not quite. After all, you are a priest of G”d. It’s your passion I want, Pinchas, your passion I need.

My passion?

I need you to take the same spirit that drove you to put that spear into Zimri and Cozbi and fill the men with it. Stir them up with your passion! Here, take your sacred implements with you.You can perform the sacred rituals before going into battle (and maybe remind G”d to look after the men, too.)  And why not grab some trumpets, too! That’s sure to rile them up.

Cool. I love the trumpets. Their sound will rally th
e troops, and also drive fear into the hearts of the Midianites.

True-it is fearful. I’ve heard you play the trumpet – if you call that playing

Always the kidder, eh Moshe?

Gotta keep things light – especially when you’re about to order the merciless slaughter of thousands. [Looking up and muttering under his breath] and you’re really pissed at G”d who just told you this is your swan song, and all because I hit that stupid rock…

What what that?

Oh, nothing. Go practice your trumpeting (and do it far away from me.)

[Fade to black]


[Sounds of really bad trumpeting]

Hey Moshe! We’re Back!

I can see. I can hear  Wait. Who are all those women and children with you?

It was glorious, Moshe. We prayed to G”d. We ran into battle, with me blowing the trumpets. Oh, such a magnificent sound. I must have played really loud, because people were covering their ears, Yes sir. Just call me Pinchas, master of the chatzotzrot.

Pinchas, who are all these people?

[Ignoring Moshe] The men were great. Killing machines, I tell you. Slew every last enemy soldier.

Pinchas - who are all these people?

[ignoring Moshe] We killed all five Midianite Kings! We even got the shyster prophet Bilaam.


[still ignoring Moshe] And look at all the booty we brought back. Gold, silver, copper, lead, beasts.


[still ignoring Moshe] We burned all their cities and towns to the ground.

[shouting] Pinchas!!!

[Pinchas stops talking and turns to Moshe]

[Loud breath] Now, who are all these people?

Why, the women and children of the Midianites, of course.

I guessed that. Why are they here?

They are our captives. The spoils of war. Our booty.

[sputtering] You spared the women?

Yes, we did..

You? You let them spare the women?

Well, yes, it seemed the gentlemanly and heroic thing to do

YOU? The man who thrust a spear into Zimri and that Midianite whore? While they were humping? You let them spare the women?

Well, we kinda thought we’d have uses for all the women. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! Knowhatamean? Say no more. Say no more)

Pinchas! These are the very same Midianite women who led so many of our men astray. You saw for yourself! You actually did something to stop it. An awful, gory something. But something. Yet you didn’t exhort the men to slay all these evil, vile women, as I commanded?

Moshe, you’ve been around, You’re a man of the world, eh?

Enough Pinchas. Maybe in three thousand years that’ll be funny, Right now, not so much. So tell, me, Pinchas, why didn’t you follow my orders?

Well, to be honest, Moshe, you weren’t that specific.

What do you mean? I told you to go seek vengeance.

Well…to get specific, Moshe, you said to fall upon Midian, to seek the L”rd’s vengeance on Midian. Nothing about killing every man, women and child.

[Fuming] Get the generals over here, now!

[Fade to black]


[Same setting as previous scene. MOSHE is facing PINCHAS and 4 GENERALS in a group]

Gentleman. What we have here is a failure to communicate.

[Generals look around, not understanding.]

You didn’t follow my orders! You spared the women – the very same women who enticed all our men to turn away from G”d!

Well, c’mon Moshe, what did you expect?

Yeah. You’re a man of the world, Moshe.

You’ve been around the block.

Know what we mean? Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

Say no more. Say no more.

ENOUGH! (Note to self: speak to G”d about that Palin chap.)

Allllllllllright, gentlemen, you blew it. All of you. But we’re gonna make this right.

(To self) Think fast Moshe. You’re good at punting. You can come up with a way out of this and keep the Old Man happy. Think. Think. Ah, got it.)

OK, gentlemen, here’s the drill: All of you, stay outside the camp. Don’t come home quite yet. Take your captives, kill all the male children, and then kill every one of the women,,,,no, wait, hold on just a sec. Lemme think.

[Moshe paces, thinking.]

[Pinchas and the generals try to get Moshe’s attention, and  start making winking and nudge gestures to Moshe. Soon, all the men are joining in. Some of the Midianite women start flaunting their wares. Cut to shot of Moshe looking at the Midianite women – he smiles, briefly – then starts to shake his head as if he were Tevye refusing to accept Chava’s choice of a non-Jewish husband – and then puts on a look of stern resolve and rebuke.We see him mouthing the word “No” in slow motion. Camera then pans to reveal some young pre-pubescent Midianite girls who look at each other, shrug, and start revealing their legs and making other suggestive gestures. They catch Moshe’s eye. He quickly turns away, embarrassed. The camera pans to groups of young Midianite boys. Some of them start vamping, too. Some are even dressed in drag. Moshe watches them for a while, starts to shake his head and then abruptly stops - a thought clearly come into his head. Moshe mutters]

[to himself]
Don’t be judgmental, Moshe, old boy. They’re not all cultic male prostitutes. Some of them really prefer other men. Heck, I probably have lots of friends who do, without my even realizing it. What is so wrong with that? Should I like them any less? Of course not! I’ve gotta have a conversation with G"d. I’m not so sure the wording used in Leviticus is gonna be understood in context in the future. Cultic sex with male prostitutes for fertility and other rites might not be for us, but people can’t help who they love and desire. After all, G”D must have made them that way in the first place!

[Having resolved that inner conflict, Moshe continues to look over the assembled Midianite captives, and the Israelite soldiers. His head once again turns back to the young girls, A smile breaks out on his face. He stops and turns again to the assembled crowd.]

Got it, Got it. I got it.
[to crowd] OK, once more, gentlemen, Here’s the drill.

One. Kill all the male children.


[shot of shocked faces and sassy young boys giving Moshe the finger]

Two. Kill all the women who have known a man.


[Panning shot of shocked women’s faces. Among several groups of young girls,  clumps of girls begin to put some distance between themselves and a few particular girls. Camera stops on one group, where, among the girls who have separated from one or two others, they all start to look sternly at one girl who among them, staring intently. That girl slinks away to join the other outcasts with the older women. A girl standing next to one of the boys surreptitiously takes his hand and whispers to him]

“I won’t tell your friends if you don’t tell mine.”
[They wink at each other. Cut back to Moshe]

[dramatic pause] Three. [dramatic pause.] Spare the virgins.


[Camera focuses in and we see Moshe wink at Pinchas, who in turn winks at the generals.]

Simmer down, simmer down. I’m not finished.

After you’ve finished killing all but the virgins,  all of you will stay outside the camp for a week.

[General murmurs]

Any one of you, and I mean any one – soldier or living captive, who has slain another person, or who has com into contact with a dead body shall cleanse yourself, and cleanse all your clothes and any objects you have with you, on the third day and on the seventh day. All cloth. Everything made of animal skin, of wood, animal hair, you shall cleanse.

[Eleazar the High Priest steps up and put his hand on Moshe’s shoulder, pushes him out of the way ala Trump at a photo op. The crowd murmurs. Eleazar totally ignores Moshe,  stops, looks over the crowd, holds up his hand. The crowd silences, expectantly]

[He draws a deep breath and lifts his chest proudly. When he finally speaks, it comes out in a voice with a speech impediment like that of Peter Cook as the clergyman in “The Princess Bride.” ]
Objects of gold, silver, copper, iron, tin, and lead, and any other item that can withstand heat shall be cleansed in fire and then cleansed in the waters of lustration.

[Moshe, stunned and annoyed at Eleazar’s interruption stares for a bit, the walks off, muttering to himself.]

Everything else – your clothes, or anything made from animal skins, and all that cannot be cleansed in fire you shall cleanse in water.

[The crowd stands in silence. Prolonged silence. They look to Eleazar, but he says nothing more. The crowd starts to disperse. Camera pans to Pinchas and the generals.

Well, now what?

I guess we do some more killing.

Man, this sucks. We’re all gonna get tried for war crimes.

Well, we can honestly say G”d told us to do it.

I still don’t like it, even though we get to keep the virgins and the booty. It just isn’t right.

Shh! Moshe or Eleazar might hear you.

This is all your fault, Pinchas. If you hadn’t been so vicious and passionate, killing Zimri and Cozbi like that.

Yeah, Zimri was a putz, But that Cozbi, she was a looker.

[All nod heads in agreement.]

Yeah, I’ve had regrets about that, Zimri, not so much, but Cozbi…I guess I acted a little too rashly fellas.

Maybe we can just pretend to kill the women and boys.

Yeah, maybe make a few really public killings, so it looks like we’re doing it.

Booty is booty, fellas. If we still don’t kill all the women and boys, how much you wanna bet they’ll just inventory then with all the other booty, and conveniently overlook who they are.

I think you may be on to something there.

Alright then. We’re agreed. We make a show of killing, but spare most of the women along with the virgins.

[Cutaway to Herbert, the old pedophile from “Family Guy”]

Don’t forget the boys!

[Cut to Black]


[A week has passed. By command of G”d, an inventory and census is being taken of all the booty from the Midian campaign. By G”d’s command, half the spoils will be divided among the soldiers, and the other half will be divided by the entire community. From the soldier’s share, 0.2% (1 in 500) was set aside for G”d ((or, to put it another way, for the priests, so what need of G”D of these things?) From the community’s share, 2% (1 in 50) was to be given to the priests in return for their service  (at least this was a more honest accounting.)]

[The scene is Moshe and Eleazar addressing the crowd, with the various forms of booty – animals, property, people assembled and being divided into groups. There are little signs everywhere saying things like “Soldier’s Share of Cattle” and “Community’s Share of Asses.” In one spot, valuables are being divided in piles. On one of the piles is a sign that has the words “For G”d” with a line through them, below that the words“For the priests “ also lined through, and underneath that a fresh line reading “For G”d.” As the camera sweeps over the scene, we hear the Narrator.]

(a Neil DeGrasse Tyson or Morgan Freeman type)
OK, let’s do some math. viewers. 1000 men from each tribe went to fight the Midianites. That’s 12,000 soldiers. They came back with:

  • 675,000 sheep
  • 72,000 head of cattle
  • 61,000 asses
  • 32,000  people - which the text then specifically enumerates as the remaining virgin females.

If there were 32,000 girls alone, how many boys and women had they captured and brought along? 60,000? 100,000? It boggles the mind.

[Cutaway to Rod Serling giving a typical Twilight Zone introduction]
[Cut back to Narrator]

[imitating he Twilight Zone theme] Do do do do...

[cutaway to a stock photo of the Brooklyn Bridge]
[cut back to Narrator]

Yeah, right. 32,000 virgins.

[Cut to a shot of Pinchas and the generals cavorting around with women who are clearly not young virgins. (think Marlena Dietrich, Elizabeth Taylor, Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe. Jane Fonda. Sigourney Weaver. Jennifer Garner. Or for my younger readers think Gal Gadot. ]

[Fade to Black]


I recognize and own up to the fact that this musing is full of stereotypes, misogynist and homophobic references, and a whole host of other politically incorrect things. I hope you’ll accept my explanation that in using these stereotypes, in addition to their admittedly superficial humorous character, I am simultaneously holding them up for the ridicule they deserve.(Do you really think the Monty Python “wink, wink” sketch wasn’t intentionally and internally lampooning the very behavior it portrayed?)

If you found any of this offensive, I apologize. I am troubled with many things in this parasha. The callousness with which G”d and Moshe are willing to have people killed, including women and children. A G”d who is even willing to command this. The willing acceptance of captives as the spoils of war, even in the context of the times. The sparing of only the virgins. Vengeance. As we are fond of saying here in our own current situation : this is not normal. Torah attempt to normalize an otherwise troubling ethical situation. The Talmud and later commentators seek to mitigate things a bit, but it’s more of a shutting the barn door after the cows are gone.

I portray Pinchas and the Generals, and, in the end, even Moshe, much as I might portray the pussy-grabber now living in the White House. It’s not meant to be flattering. (May it be G”d’s will that this reference becomes very quickly dated. Ptui! Ptui!)

There’s one short section of the script that is even a nod to my discomfort with the stereotyping I’m using as humor for effect. I’m sure you can find it (I think it sticks out like a sore thumb, and I went back and forth many times on whether to include it or not. Eventually, my own discomfort at playing stereotypes for effect won out.)

Humor is both my tool for dealing with the discomfort, and for exposing the issues. I hope, in the process of exposure, I haven’t discomfited you or offended you –  no, strike that. In some way, I hope I have discomfited you. It’s the discomfiting that leads us to action, to examine things closely, to stand up for what is right, just, and fair.

Chazak, chazak, v’nitchazeik

Shabbat Shalom,

©2017 by Adrian A. Durlester

Other musings on this parasha

Matot-Masei 5775 - Mei-eit Harav Tarbu U'mei-eit Hamat Tamitu
Masei 5774 - Would Jeremiah Be Surprised?
Matot 5774 - Over the Top (Revised 5763)
Matot-Masei 5773 - The Torah Is One Of My FaceBook Groups
Matot-Masei 5772 - And the Punting Goes On
Masei 5771 - Cause and Effect
Matot 5771 - Don't Become Like...Them
Matot-Masei 5770 - Treasure Trove of Trouble
Masei 5768 - Accidents Matter
Matot 5768/5765-Even Moshe Rabbeinu Had to Punt
Matot-Masei 5766 - First Fruit
Matot-Masey 5764-Putting the Kids Before the Kids
Matot--Masey 5763-Over the Top
Matot--Masey 5762--The Rebel's Complaint and Promises, Promises

Friday, July 14, 2017

Random Musing Before Shabbat–Pinchas 5777–The Sons of Korach

Here’s a brand new musing. Lately, I’ve been revisiting a lot of older musings – not for lack of time, interest, or motivation, but simply because I feel it’s important for me to look over what I’ve written in the past to see how my views have been shaped and changed over time. and also to discover and add new insights to what I’ve written. Before I get to the new musing, because this is parasha that has inspired some interesting writing, let me tell you what I’ve written about in previous musings on parashat Pinchas.

1. So, if you think the story of Zelophechad’s daughters is illustrative of some feminist sympathies in the Torah, read this:

2. If you’d like to read about the regular Haftarah for Pinchas, which is only read in years when Pinchas is read on a date falling before the 17th of Tammuz (which last happened in 2014 and won’t happen again until the year 2035/5795) read this:

Only in those few and far between years when we read the regular Haftarah for Pinchas from Isaiah do we read of the “kol d’mamah daka",” the “still, small voice.” If that’s of interest to you, read this:

3. So, in most years, including this one, when Shabbat Pinchas falls after the 17th of Tammuz (the start of the three weeks before Tisha B’Av mourning the destruction of the Temple) we get three weeks of increasingly harsher haftarot of admonition. The first of these isn’t quite so harsh – read this:

4. If you’re really into figuring out the whole Pinchas thing, try this: or if you’re not a fan of all the apologetics for this story, try this:

5. Looking for a liberal twist on the story of Moshe passing on his mantle to Joshua, how about this:

6. A short but interesting thought about all those who came out of Egypt, wandered the desert, and never made it in to the promised land for their failure to embrace the positive reports of Joshua and Caleb

There are a few more, and they’re all listed, as usual, at the end of this musing. And now, for something completely different…

In this parasha, there’s another census, another genealogy. It is taken at G”d’s direct command to Moshe and Eleazar (taking his deceased father Aharon’s place.) The census starts, of course, with the clan of Reuven, the first born of Yaakov/Israel.  Enoch, a descendant of Reuven, has a son named Pallu, who has a son named Eliav, who has sons names Nemuel, Dathan, and Abiram. Sound familiar? So here, in the middle of the genealogy of the Reubenite clan, the Torah stops to remind us that these were the same Dathan and Abiram who sided with Korach, and who died when swallowed up with the other followers of Korach. [Note, however, the cause of Korach’s own death where it is first told in Torah is vague and uncertain.]

Here, in parashat Pinchas, the Torah at least answers the question of whether Korach died – stating the he was swallowed up along with Dathan and Abiram. However, here Torah also clouds the issue by conflating the two incidents that befell Korach’s followers – the fire that consumed 250  with their offerings, and the later swallowing of (what is presumed to be the remainder of) Korach’s followers. Talmudic scholars have debated the question of how Korach died for millennia. Lest Torah waste the opportunity to make a point with stick over carrot, it reminds us that these deaths were meant to set an example for those who would question Moshe’s (or G”d’s) authority.

Then Torah says something really odd. In the midst of the genealogy of the Reubenite clan, it says

וּבְנֵי קֹרַח לֹא מֵתוּ

The sons of Korach, however, did not die.

Let’s remember here that Korach and his family were of the clan of Levi, descendants of Kohath, and  they were of the priestly clan. They were not Reubenites. Kohath was the father of Yitzhar, the father of Korach,  and Amram, the father of Moses. So Moses and Korach were cousins.

Why, when G”d did not spare the lives of all of Korach’s followers (including women and children) did G”d spare the sons of Korach? Now the Kohatite clan (which included Korach’s sons) did become important in later Temple times as musicians/singers and Temple guards. So perhaps the Torah text was redacted to show some favor to them? But without the lines of Korach’s sons there would still have been plenty of Kohatite priests around!

Always eager to put a positive spin on things, some commentators suggest that the sons of Korach were repentant and spared as a result. (That seems about as unlikely as DJT Jr. being repentant after the eventual fall of his father..) Other commentators, of course, suggest the opposite – the Korach sons live on in the people in every generation who are troublemakers, seek divisions, and are challengers of authority.

Some 46 verses later in Torah, the census enumerates the Levitical clan census, including the Kohatites. Wouldn’t that have been a more likely place to note that the sons of Korach survived, since theye were of that lineage? Ah, but here the Levitical genealogy notes instead the deaths of my two favorite crispy critters, Nadav and Avihu, Aharon’s sons who died when they offered “alien fire.”

So the survival of Korach’s sons is linked to the report of the death of Korach’s prime co-conspirators, Dathan and Abiram, of the Reubenite clan. A dig at the surviving Kohatites when the text was redacted?

I have another theory, which, given who I am, will not surprise my friends. My take is that Korach’s sons survived not to insure there would be sowers of dissent in every generation. but so that there would always be people willing to challenge the status quo, to speak truth to power.

The critiques of Korach are exegetical supposition. It is NOT eminently clear, despite what some may claim, that Korach’s intent was purely selfish, seeking self-aggrandizement. That’s the whitewash we use to justify G”d’s arbitrary swatting away of this challenger and his followers. Perhaps G”d (or future redactors) even wondered if Korach had a point – that all the people were holy. If Moshe is the author of Torah (and that’s a big if, but if that’s your understanding, I won’t deny the possibility even though it’s not my understanding) then of course Korach is gonna be put down and criticized. The winners write the histories, right?

Of course, there’s a flaw in my theory right there. If, as I believe, the Torah was redacted and edited at different times to reflect particular agendas, then why wouldn’t the Kohatite priests have redacted the text to be a little more favorable to Korach? The reason might simply be that the Aharonite priests simply wielded more power than the Kohatites. Perhaps, all that the Kohatites could manage to slip past the Aharonites in a redaction was this little reference to the sons of Korach having not died with all the other. A little “mir zenen do,” we’re still here zotz from the Kohatites.

Maybe the mention of the sons of Korach not dying serves a totally different agenda. Perhaps it is G”d’s apology for acting in anger and destroying so many (including women and children.) At best, however, that’s a half-assed apology.

So maybe, as I suggested, we are told that the sons of Korach did not die to remind us that there will always be a place in society for those who challenge authority, questions norms, and ask the unpopular questions. Being one of those types of people, it’s an explanation I can certainly accept. However, I acknowledge my prejudice, as a gadfly, for such an interpretation. I’ll need to ask others to see if it makes as much sense to them as it does to me.

I can’t claim to be a descendant of Korach. I can’t be certain that Korach’s rebellion was built upon honest intent, or selfish intent.  For now, I’m going to assume that the question of Korach’s intent remains uncertain, The survival of Korach’s sons clearly illustrates that Korach had some merit. May all those who follow in the footsteps of Korach, challenging authority and speaking truth to power for righteous purpose merit a similar blessing.

Shabbat Shalom,

©2017 by Adrian A. Durlester

Other Musings on this Parasha:

Pinkhas 5775 - Why Is This Rebuke...yadda, yadda, yadda (an expansion on 5769)
Pinkhas 5774 - Slaughter the Oxen, Burn the Plow, and Hear the Still Small Voice
Pinkhas 5773 - G"d's Justice, G"d's Responsibility
Pinkhas 5772 - Not Such a Shining Moment
Pinkhas 5771 - Wake Up and Smell the Coffee
Pinkhas 5770 - Thanking Those Who Didn't Make It
Pinkhas 5769-Why is This Rebuke Different From All Other Rebukes?
Pinkhas 5768 - Still Zealous After all These Years
Pinhas 5766-Let's Give Moshe a Hand
Pinkhas 5765-Kol D'mamah Dakah
Pinchas 5762 -- I Still Get Zealous
Pinchas 5764/5760-It Just Is!

Friday, July 7, 2017

Random Musing Before Shabbat–Balak 5777–Bad Habits, Still

[Thirteen years ago I wrote this musing for parashat Balak called “Bad Habits.” Now here it is thirteen years later and I am still dealing with the same demons. So forgive me for being selfish, and revisiting and revising this musing for my own purposes, and hopefully help me to learn a lesson I seem to still have not yet learned.]

I have a bad habit. Really, it's true! (Well, truth be told, I have a plethora of bad habits. But we'll save the rest of them for other musings and just focus one this one really bad habit.)

So what is this dark, troubling secret of a bad habit I'm going to reveal. Here I go. Ready? Ok, here we go. (Have I built up enough suspense yet?) My bad habit is...

I often respond too hastily to e-mail messages.

There. I've admitted it.That's the first step on the road to correcting a bad habit. [Or so I thought 13 years ago. Seems this road has had an unusually high number of detours..]

Technology is, or can be a really wonderful tool. It has brought many blessings. In fact, technology is a blessing. It also is, or can be, a curse. E-mail is a case in point. Sometimes, when you intend to send a blessing, it comes out a curse. And sometimes our e-mails intended as curses come out blessings instead.

All this was on my mind as I re-read the familiar words of parashat Balak this week. And this surely influenced the message I took away from this encounter with Torah, as you will see. [Here in 2017, I seek to understand why, after that first attempt to improve myself thirteen years ago, I’m still struck by the story of Balak vis a vis my own habits in the same way. You’d think I would have learned].

When the elders of Moab and Midian delivered the message/invitation from King Balak to Bilam, asking Bilam to come and curse the Israelites, Bilam does not respond immediately. Bilam asks the messengers to spend the night, allowing him the time to "consult" with G”d and formulate the appropriate reply to Balak's request. [And boom, there it is, the very first hint that this story has something to teach us about taking a moment before we respond to anything. Rashi argues that G”d only visited Bilam and other non-Jewish prophets at night. Hmmm. The scholars and commentators dispute whether Bilam was seeking G”d’s permission or G”d’s advice on whether to string things along and await an even greater or more important set of emissaries before he agreed to go. I’m not sure that Bilam needed G”ds help or advice in that regard – I suspect Bilam was well-practiced in his craft and knew how to turn things to his best advantage. The Torah, however, has other ideas. The text is rather explicit.When Bilam explains what he was asked to do, G”d says no way, Jose. These people are blessed, you may not go and curse them. ]

King Balak persists – sending emissaries of greater and greater prestige.  The Torah is vague about how many groups. Balak sends yet another, more important group of dignitaries as messengers to implore Bilam to come and curse the Israelites, Bilam again takes a night to consult with G”d before responding.

Sometimes, even a night and a quick consultation with G”d isn't enough time to ponder and formulate a response that's appropriate. Though, during their consultation, G”d permits Balaam to accompany the Moabite and Midianite dignitaries, the ensuing and well-known incident with Bilam and his ass demonstrates, perhaps, that Bilam may still have been too hasty in his "reply," that is, his decision to go with the messengers to see King Balak. Apparently, that's not what G”d wanted (expected?)

Another cautionary note can be drawn from the Torah's tale of Balak and Bilam. Bilam did, indeed, take some time and consult with G”d before replying to Balak's requests. Still, even with this effort to carefully craft and phrase replies in just the right words, the message wasn't understood as intended. King Balak didn't "get" the meaning/intent of Bilam's (and, in reality, G”d's) words. King Balak doesn't understand that it's not about money, reward, flattery, respect or anything of that nature. Bilam is saying that, even paid for his services, Balaam can and will only say what Gd has told him to say. King Balak clearly believes that every seer has his price.

Thus, there are valuable lessons for me, and, I hope, for you, dear readers, all throughout parashat Balak to remind us to not be hasty or trigger- (or send-key-) happy. We can take the time we need to allow G”d's voice to influence and inform our replies. Amidst the noise, hubbub, and rush of modern life, it's not always easy to discern that still, small voice. Yet it is so crucial to harmonious, loving human discourse that G”d, Torah, and Judaism inform all that we do and say (or write, "keyboard," "graffiti.")

[“Graffiti?” OMG that’s a dated reference. How many of you remember that early attempt at drawing characters in the “Graffiti” language on a Palm OS based PDA that would be recognized and turned into actual text? Want some nostalgia – you can get a Graffiti app for Android: ]

When we fail to heed the cautionary reminders of parashat Balak, we may well end up needlessly flaying our own asses, and having them cry out to us, wondering what they have done or said that we are treating them so ill. We might find our blessings turned into curses. If we allow ourselves a little time to let G”d, Torah, and Judaism inform what we do and say, we may yet see our curses turned into blessings. Ken y'hi ratson. Ken y'hi ratsoneinu.

[Or so I ended thirteen years ago. I’m still not heeding my on advice. I’m quick to criticize others for being reactive, yet I remain consistently guilty of being so myself. I wish I had Bilam’s excuse of only speaking (or writing) the words which G”d puts in my mouth. Perhaps I have chosen the wrong story to inspire me. After all, Bilam taking his time to respond is but a small part of a much larger story, which has very different and broader themes. There are many other places in Torah that could serve to remind me to think before I act. Imagine if Moshe had counted to ten and then spoken to the rock instead of hitting it. I also think I can use words of Torah to help me forgive myself for sometimes not thinking before acting G”d is certainly guilty of that on a few occasions! But I digress.

C’mon Adrian, get it together. Be honest, and admit there was a little woo-woo going on here. Parashat Balak comes up, you’re reviewing what you’ve written about it before, you read this musing from thirteen years back and realize you had just recently engaged in that same old bad habit. Don;t be stubborn, Adrian. You;re being hit on the head. You’re getting the “…but I sent you a boats and a helicopter…” treatment. Pay attention!

OK. I’ll try. I’ll think before responding.I won’t be rash, I’ll be thoughtful. Wait a minute, what’s the email you just received say? Are they kidding? Excuse me, I have to go and respond to those idiots and set them straight right this moment…

Shabbat Shalom,

©2017 (portions ©2004) by Adrian A. Durlester

Other musings on this parasha:

Balak 5775 - Stymied
Balak 5774 - Ball's In Your Court
Balak 5772 - Unvelievable
Balak 5771-Imperfect Justice is No Excuse
Balak 5770 - Beating Our Donkeys II (Revised and Updated 5758)
Balak 5764 - Bad Habits
Balak 5758/5761-Beating Our Donkeys

Chukat-Balak 5766 - Community Sing
Chukat Balak 5763-Mi ChaMicah
Chukat-Balak 5760-Holy Cow!
Chukat 5759/61-Wanting to See More Than The View From The Mountaintop